A Hag, a Tent, and Camping Dreams on a Shein Budget: Send Help

So, Here’s the Thing About 2025…

This is my year. Yep, I’ve decided. 2025 is going to be the year I finally do it: I’m going to sleep in a tent. A real tent. Outside. On the ground. Under the stars. You know, like the outdoorsy legend I imagine myself to be in my head

Here’s the problem—I have never, ever slept in a tent. Not once. Can barely sleep properly in the luxurious embrace of my bed, so the idea of spending a night on what is essentially a patch of dirt seems… terrifying.

Now hear me out...to make matters worse, when I get off my luxurious bed (about 12 times a night—for various reasons... TMI much?), I have to spend 20 seconds unraveling inflamed joints, limping like a zombie, and eventually convincing my body to walk upright. Now imagine... getting up from a rock.....12 times???

Am I the right person for this job? No. Absolutely not. But here we are.

On some level, I’ve been fantasizing about this moment since I started hiking. At first, I’d see campers pitched at scenic spots and think, “Never.......” But slowly, over time, it morphed into, “If only......” Yet, despite my newfound FOMO, I’ve never actually taken the plunge.

Now, I’m surrounded by all these amazing people who treat camping like it’s brushing their teeth. They’ve been doing it forever. They’re probably setting up tents blindfolded as we speak, while I’m here, staring at YouTube tutorials for “Camping for the ABSOLUTE Beginner.”

Some of these very same people are encouraging me—no, let’s call it what it is: ridiculing me—into taking the plunge. And honestly, I’m so very grateful for it. Nothing says ‘supportive hiking buds’ like peer pressure with a side of judgement.

When I tell them it’s a big deal for me, they look at me like I just said I’m planning to try toast for the first time.

But here’s the thing: I’ve seen those dreamy social media posts—the weekend escapes and multi day adventures that practically radiate rustic magic. People sitting in camp chairs, sipping coffee, looking out at breathtaking mountain views. The whole at one with nature vibe. It’s calling to me, people! And, let’s not forget, it’s cheap! I mean, you’re literally sleeping on a rock. That’s got to be a win for my bank account, right?

Imagine the freedom. Imagine the possibilities. Imagine me, jetting off for budget “holidays” .just me n my tent...oh, and my sleeping bag (preferably one that doesn’t feel like a body bag)., gas stove (because fire scares me). pillow (because I’m not a savage), pots, pans, and some fancy hiking spoon-fork hybrid thing., oh yes...clothes (because I am not one with nature enough to go starkers).

See where I’m going with this? I want to do this. No—I will do this. But here’s the problem: I have absolutely no idea where to start.

So, I’m sending up a big, dramatic SOS to all the camping pros out there. What do I need? What’s essential? What’s just dead weight? What’s the one thing that, if I forget, will make me sob into my sleeping bag? Also, how heavy is a tent if I eventually slack pack?

The one thing I am totally confident about? Where I’ll be buying all my gear: Shein, of course. Because nothing says “prepared for the great outdoors” like flimsy, fashion-forward survival gear, right?

Please, guys...help a hag achieve her dream!