Hiking Up Hills: The Ugly, Wheezy, Swear-Filled Truth

Hiking Up Hills - The Ugly Truth

Ah, the uphills. Those smug, soul-crushing beasts just waiting to humble you.

Going up, you will hate yourself, the trail, your friends, your ancestors—everyone.

Now, let’s break down the ugly truth about hills.

Hiking Up a Hill For The First Time. Who to Take?

This is non-negotiable. I feel strongly—like flip-a-table strongly—about this.

Take someone you're brutally and shamelessly comfortable with. Hills are not just a physical challenge—they’re emotional warfare. You need someone who’s not going to make you feel anxious when you're halfway up, huffing and puffing... or possibly crying because your lungs forgot how to lung.

I’ve hiked (separately) with two younger hikers who asked to join me. Neither had hiked for a minute, but neither were total newbies either. Watching them panic breathe halfway up the hill was a masterclass in how quickly a mental spiral can turn a perfectly capable body into a heap of “nope.”

If I hadn’t forced them to slow down, catch their breath, and understand that it wasn’t a race, they might’ve sworn off hiking forever.

Now? Those same two hike with me regularly, and absolutely crush hills—often leaving me behind. Am I a bit annoyed? Maybe. Just a little. But mostly proud. (And fine, slightly bitter.)

I was lucky. I built my hill-confidence dragging my children, Salt and Pepper up hills. They were legally obligated to wait for me and fake patience. Highly recommend.

Also? If you ever find a “beginner hike” hosted by a club or group, grab that opportunity.

No Willing Victims? Take Me.

If you're struggling to find a victim to drag up a hill with you—take me. Seriously. I never say no to a hike, and I come with a very specific set of skills.

I specialize in:

• Slowing the pace to a glorified crawl, (more photos for me).

• Being so aggressively enthusiastic that you'll push to the top just to escape me.

• Delivering motivational speeches halfway up, complete with dramatic hand gestures and unnecessary metaphors.

Honestly, it’s a public service. I’m doing my part for humanity—You're welcome.

Don’t Start with Mountains, You Maniac.

So, you’ve done a couple flat hikes, your legs didn’t fall off, and now you’re feeling invincible. Suddenly, you're out here Googling “beginner mountains near me."

Slow down, Captain Overachiever.

Listen closely:

There. Are. No. Beginner. Mountains.

Just varying degrees of pain and disappointment.

Hike Hills First. Always.

Before you even think about flirting with elevation gain, you need to become besties with gentle inclines that suggest an upward slope without demanding your soul in return.

Hills are where you build your stamina and your confidence. They teach you to suffer... strategically.

When is Vergenoeg—Or Anything Equally Sadistic—Ever a Good Idea to Hike?

Never—if you’re new. I don’t care what your cousin’s boyfriend’s sister said about how “chill” it was. She’s a liar, or she blacked out halfway and forgot the trauma.

It’s not even your third. Trust me—you’ll know when you’re ready, because you’ll actually want to suffer on purpose.

Heavy Breathing: It's Not Just You

It will feel like you’re the only person gasping for air up that hill, You are not. You’re might just be the loudest. Congratulations.

My whole mindset flipped the day I realized that hills are universally despised. I wasn’t some unique, unfit failure—I was just a regular human doing something tough.

When to Stop and Breathe on an Incline?

Whenever you damn well need to.

Take the break. Take all the breaks. Standing there pretending to admire a very average rock while secretly regaining your will to live? Fine

But again, you need to start with someone who gets it. Someone who’s not going to guilt-trip you into continuing until you keel over.

Walking Up vs. Walking Down:

Uphill? Possible torture. Downhill? Just as cruel—loose gravel, knees begging for mercy, ankles winging it.

With every hike, you’ll develop survival strategies. Everyone has their own. You’ll find yours.

Suggested Hiking Techniques

There are none. Find your own sweet spot and don't let anyone convince you that theirs is yours.

Are Hiking Poles a Must?

Nope, nothing is a must. They can take pressure off your knees, keep you upright on sketchy terrain, and save your joints on descents.

Miracle for some, useless for others. Figure out if you need them

Hills: Why We Need Them on a Trail

Hills have a twisted reward system: better views, fresher air, and that smug feeling of standing on top after beating gravity at its own cruel game.

Hills will always be annoying—it’s their personality. But over time, you’ll stop fearing them. You’ll still breathe like a dying walrus and swear like a sailor, but you’ll be too stubborn to lose.

Every gasp, shaky step, and whispered curse is proof you’re stronger than you think.

So there you have it. The ugly, huffy, swear-filled truth about hiking up hills? It’s hard. It’s messy. It will make you question everything. But it’s ridiculously rewarding.

Easy Flat Hiking Trails for First-Time Hikers

Oh, and by the way, since my last blog, I’ve been asked to cover flat trails for beginners. Don’t worry—I’ve already typed my fingers numb on that one. Stay tuned