Remhoogte Hiking Trail: A Rant Disguised as a Review

So while the world is basically on fire, here I am, grumbling about my Sunday attempt at serenity getting wrecked. Not a first-world tantrum at all. Nope. Completely justified.

But, if I’m going to wax poetic about breathtaking trails, then for my own credibility, I’ve also got to call out the duds.

Except—wait—is this even a dud? Hard to say, considering we never actually hiked the damn thing. So do I go with “Did not experience, would not recommend”?

Salt and Pepper (yes, both my sons) were all set to join me. If you’re behind on my personal drama, let’s just say we all dumped each other as hiking buds. But, in a shocking twist, they independently decided they either appreciate me or nature (still TBD). Honestly, I wasn’t about to question it.

But then, Salt had to bail last minute, leaving just Pepper and me, a duo that could get lost in a lift.

I was excited to tackle what seemed like a hidden gem—because no-one seemed to have even heard of it.

But first, let’s talk about my ongoing toxic relationship with Waze. Every weekend, I go to the same general side of the world, and every weekend, Waze takes me on a new, mystical route,

I also have the directional skills of a potato, so I just blindly follow it. This time? Roadworks everywhere, potholes the size of small swimming pools, and that was just to get to the few kilometers of sand road leading to the establishment.

By the time we arrived, I had whispered a few prayers for my tyres, and—oh, fun surprise—noticed a crack in my windshield. Was it new? Who’s to say?

However, upon arrival, my optimism soared—this place had a restaurant, hiking trails, a lodge ....potential! 

I was ready to conquer … drum roll, please… the Remhoogte Vulture Trail.

The adorable receptionist had zero idea about the trails. Instead, she pointed to a map labeled "Van Gaalen’s Trails". Confused, I asked for clarification, and she confirmed that they were Van Gaalen’s trails.

Fantastic. If I’d known that, I would’ve just gone straight to Van Gaalen instead of taking my car on an off-road endurance test.

Pepper and I had already done the River Trail there previously, and had planned to return to do the Greek Church Trail… at some point. Just not this day, and not from the neighbouring property.

She seemed to know absolutely nothing about the Vulture Trail—the entire reason I had dragged us out there in the first place.

Needless to say, that should’ve been our cue to just do the Van Gaalen Greek Church Trail… you know, from Van Gaalens. But nooooo, that wasn’t revolutionary enough for me. Too mainstream. Too predictable. I wanted to blaze a new trail. Be a pioneer. Discover the undiscovered. Idiot.

At first, things were looking good—the scenery was absolutely gush-worthy.

That lasted about five minutes.

An hour later, we were still trudging along a never-ending sand road, in the blazing sun toward a mountain that seemed to be mocking us from the distance.

And then, finally, we arrived at what was allegedly the Greek Church Trail—you know, the one I had very specifically not planned to do on this day.

At this point, I figured that maybe—through some sort of divine intervention—I was meant to hike the Greek Church Trail. So, I swallowed my frustration, picked up my dignity (what was left of it), and told Pepper we were going forth.

What we actually went forth on was a muddy sand road—so, essentially, the exact same never-ending stretch we had just walked, except now with mud. Great. Awesome. Just what I needed.

From this point on, any trace of scenery vanished faster than my enthusiasm. And that’s when I finally told Pepper that we were going back to the car to regroup.

Pepper—who, unless it’s a snarky chirp laced with judgment, says absolutely nothing. No suggestions. No “maybe we shouldn’t be scaling this goat path in 34-degree heat” wisdom. Nothing.

It’s like solo hiking… but with extra eye rolls, heavy sighs, and the occasional withering side-eye every time I stop to take yet another photo of a tree that “looks kinda mystical.”

When the young lady, now frantically running around serving patrons at the restaurant (seriously, she deserves a raise), asked if we were back already, I politely told her we’d never left.

But, honestly, this wasn’t her fault, or maybe even the establishment. It’s entirely possible that this was on us... me and Pepper... Pinky and the Brain, and our lack of trail smarts.

At this point, we decided to just head over to Van Gaalen’s. But by then, neither of us wanted to face the full Greek Church Trail.

The drive there (all 5 minutes of it) was the most scenic thus far. I mean, had we aimlessly walked on that road instead? I might have actually been okay with it.

So, what did we do? We did some of the River Trail,....again, stuffed our faces at their restaurant, and managed to salvage the day.

But still—please, I would love some feedback. I would love to go back (once my car has forgiven me for the trauma) and finally tackle the Vulture Trail, if it even exists… from Remhoogte, not Vergenoeg??

So, here’s some pics... the best of both worlds—enjoy them, because that's about all that went according to plan.

To see my previous blog on the River Trail, click here and prepare yourself for an actual successful adventure—If I remember correctly.

https://hikinghag.wixsite.com/the-hiking-hag-1/post/van-gaalen-cheese-farm-shady-trails-as-ordered