The Hiker's Survival Dictionary: What Trail Terms Really Mean

So what are the ACTUAL definitions behind all these hiking terms we hear so much about:

This guide will give you the unvarnished truth. 

Buckle up and prepare for some honest insights into what you’re really signing up for when you hit the trails!

You are so welcome!

TREKKING (n.)The ultimate test to keep moving forward, even after it dawns on you that the most breathtaking view was actually back in the parking lot.

SCENIC VIEW (n.)The breathtaking panorama you hiked hours to see, but instead, you get fog—or an aerial view of the parking lot you left from.

WELL-MARKED TRAIL (noun phrase.)Where you find yourself meandering in circles, pretending you know exactly where you’re going, wondering if the trail markers had a twisted sense of humor.

RIVER CROSSING (n.): That magical spot where slippery rocks, poor decisions, and your last shred of dignity meet for an epic showdown.

SUMMIT (n): That glorious point where you’re supposed to feel accomplished but instead find yourself wheezing, regretting life choices, and wondering why you thought this was a good idea.

LOOP (n.)Perfect for people like me who have a special talent for getting lost in their own backyard, because they make it almost impossible to get completely lost—just perpetually disoriented.

WILDLIFE VIEWING (noun phrase.)When you catch a fleeting glimpse of that elusive deer... right before it vanishes.

CAMPING  (v.)When you are sprawled on jagged rocks, being eaten alive by mosquitoes, and reconsidering why indoor plumbing was ever questioned. 

SCRAMBLING ROCKS (noun phrase.)Basically rock climbing without the satisfaction of feeling like a pro. It’s a fun mix of crawling on all fours, bruising your ego, and hoping you don’t slide down the mountain. Prayer optional, but highly recommended.  

ASCENT (n.)The "Stairway of Regret" where every step doubles as a reminder that you probably should’ve stayed home.

LOOSE ROCKS (noun phrase.)Designed to twist ankles, buckle knees, and ensure your descent looks like a wobbly toddler.

HAT (n.)That accessory you thought would protect you from the sun but by the end of the hike, has your hair looking like a cross between a mad scientist  and an electrocuted squirrel.

HIKING POLES (n.)Your sidekicks that turn you into a flailing Gandalf, tripping yourself—and probably everyone around you. Generally required .05 % of a hike, but you are stuck with carrying it for 100% of it.

FIRST AID KIT (n.)That life-saving box of just enough medical goodies to make you feel like you're prepared, but not enough to actually help in a real situation.

ANTIHISTAMINES (n.)The magical tablets found in your first aid kit, Because nothing says "I'm an outdoors legend" quite like frantically reaching for antihistamines and praying they kick in before you start to resemble a swollen marshmallow.  .

TRAIL MAP (n.)A glorified piece of origami that you’ll only unfold after you’ve already been lost for 30 minutes, frantically squinting at those confusing squiggles and trying to convince yourself that you know what the hell you are looking at.

BLISTER BANDAGES (n.)Those items that by the time you realize you need them, the blister you have is already setting up camp.

PACKING WISELY (v.)A way to over prepare for things that probably won’t happen while forgetting the one thing you’ll actually need.

On a final note ...

Classic Hiking Advice: "Stay Hydrated"—Let's really be honest...on a really hot day you will need ...

• A water bottle the size of a small toddler.

• A bladder (hydration pack) big enough to make you look like a camel.

• A portable water filter because....again.... the "spring water" is really just a muddy puddle with questionable origins.