Made on Earth Trail Hike: The One Everyone Warned Me About (So Obviously I Went)

When I asked anyone about this trail, the responses ranged from dramatic to full apocalypse.

“No, it’s closed.”

“No, people get robbed there.”

Now, if you’re new here, let me explain how my brain works:

If the danger is not physically in front of my face, I assume it’s propaganda.

Still, I’m not completely reckless - just confidently dismissive - so I kept shelving the idea.

Googling The Trail

By mid-January, the itch returned.

So I Googled the reviews.

Tanya

Same story.

From “We had the best time ever!!!”

To “Absolutely not, you will die.”

But then I saw it.

Caves.

And suddenly I was emotionally invested in my own downfall.

So I posed the question on my feed.

The feedback was, once again, wildly conflicting.

My Anxiety Spiral

This is where my anxiety clocked in for its shift.

Why?

Several reasons.

M - HAG - S

First: Tanya commented that she loves the trail, has done it a few times, and if I decided to go… she was in.

Important detail: Tanya and I had never met.

We’d followed each other forever, and people always said:

“Have you met Tanya? You have to. You’re exactly the same.”

Also, most of my early trail ideas?

Tanya.

She shares joy with the hiking community.

She is a hiking fairy godmother.

Shireen & Darren

When Strangers Become Your Responsibility

Meanwhile, my little group was forming.

Some people joined.

Some fled.

The survivors were Shireen and Darren (from our previous weekend's hike), and S&M (STOP!) two followers I’d also never met, but who had been engaging with my posts long enough to legally qualify as acquaintances.

So now I was meeting Tanya and 2 followers for the first time, causing huge anxiety - because I would be exposed....

......as exactly who I am in my posts.

Not a character.

Not exaggerated.

This is the final product.

Also......the booking process deserved its own trauma support group, so I’ve chosen to block THAT out entirely.

And finally - Tanya’s group multiplied.

Rapidly.

Into a cluster of strangers.

And somehow, I felt responsible.

Like I’d accidentally started a movement to lead people to the slaughter.

I was stressed.

Insomnia-level stressed.

Then, just as I was trying to calm down and stop inventing problems, Tanya messaged:

“The owner says we must wear buffs in the cave.

Histoplasmosis.

Bats.

Google it.”

I did not Google it.

I chose peace.

(This is a lie... I have never met peace)

First Impressions

I finally met Tanya and immediately realised we are nothing alike.

She is joy.

Enthusiastic.

Friendly.

…Even nice.

She also appears to genuinely like people, which I can only assume is a personality glitch.

S & M appeared perfectly comfortable with the fact that I am exactly as awful, anxious, and socially under performing as my posts imply.

If anything, I may have oversold myself.

So, with expectations either shattered or pleasantly exceeded, we started the trail.

The Trail Itself

Beautiful, different, adventurous and exhilarating.

The trail starts beautifully - forest and river vibes.

Honestly, I wasn’t expecting it to be this scenic.

Then came the incline.

Yes, it tried to kill me a little, but one of the perks of hiking in a larger group is that there are leaders… and there are stragglers.

Hello.

I am not leading anything.

I straggle.

The Caves

We reached the first, smaller cave.

Very exciting.

Buffs on ... briefly (COVID PTSD), and felt adventurous for a solid minute.

Then we reached the boss of caves.

There were so many people - including other groups - that we had to wait, which gave me an irresponsible amount of time to overthink.

M considered skipping it.

I was spiritually aligned with this decision.

S yelled that there would be FOMO.

There would have been.

Painful, lifelong FOMO.

Thank you, S.

Before entering - I was encouraged to have my "hands free."

Do you even understand what that means???

Everyone else had pockets.

I did not.

I was sent into the cave like a medieval peasant -empty-handed, afraid, and stripped of my emotional support phone.

I Immediately mourned the photos I would never take.

A targeted attack from the universe.

Thankfully, other people took photos, which I will now claim and repost shamelessly.

Thank you, kind and better-prepared humans.

Getting Down

The scariest part for me...you reverse down a ladder - like a “fix-your-roof” ladder - held together by other hikers (hikers are good people).

Then you immediately slide on your bum through damp mud.

You’re wearing headlamps - purely decorative, as headlamps are - and aggressively choosing not to think about touching bat poop.

Inside, the cave opens into something massive and unreal.

The only accurate word for that cave is “exhilarating,” which I say with full awareness of how dramatic that sounds.

At the end, Tanya suggested we turn our torches off.

Someone suggested we shut the hell up.

And for a few seconds, there was total silence in complete darkness - the closest I’ve ever come to 100% peace.

Even the bats respected it.

The walk back to the car was short, but we were riding such a high (from the experience, not the poop) that I barely remember it.

S & M - loved meeting you.

Delightfully unhinged.

Exactly my people.

Tanya - thank you.

Truly.

Without you, I'd still be in the parking lot...or at the very least in that cave.

Starting a bat commune.

Learning their ways.

Stay exactly as you are.

Do not cross over.

It’s dark on this side.

Trying to show how dirty our bums got....felt worse than it looked

RATINGS

Trail Information

AREA

Hennops

COST

R 120

Paid online.

Immediate payment.

Send POP.

Send your name and telephone number.

Blink twice.

Confirm your existence.

Trail Details

TRAIL DIFFICULTY

There is an incline, technical sections and a cave.

TRAIL LENGTH

6 km...Includes bum sliding

TRAIL MARKERS

Would not have helped me.

We had Tanya.

TRAIL HIGHLIGHTS

The Cave.

It was extraordinary.

WEATHER CONDITIONS TO CONSIDER

It's covered for a fair amount

ABLUTIONS

They tried. And that’s what matters.

SAFE FREE PARKING

AMENITIES

None

WILDLIFE & BIRD LIFE

Bats.

Obviously.

They live there.

NOTE TO SELF

Remember: just because it’s scenic doesn’t mean it won’t try to kill you..

FAMILY FRIENDLY

Yes

PET FRIENDLY

Yes...not the cave though.

ON A FINAL NOTE

Go...don't be afraid....but it has to be booked in a group of 10 + people.

And yes - you are completely allowed to skip the cave.

No one keeps score.

The bats will thank you.

(TO)SOLO OR (NO)SOLO

(NO)SOLO